What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
