if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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