Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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