K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
