Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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