im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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