I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
