the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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