I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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