i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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