I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
