apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
