Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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