I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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