and next time when you feel me up, do it right
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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