I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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