How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
drinking out of a sandbucket again
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You made out with two different species that night
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I FOUND THE LEGS
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
