ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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