Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
