she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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