i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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