I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
