fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
