I was born with a shot glass in my hand
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
