I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
soo... how was my night?
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