He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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