I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
