if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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