I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize