You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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