I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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