my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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