i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
