i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
