I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
