im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
