id be glad to
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
