i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Randomize