I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize