Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
