This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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