I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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