I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
