Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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