im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
