I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
