dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
