my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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