in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
meet me or not, i'm out of control
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
