Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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