It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
