Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
