Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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