Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
