We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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