new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
