I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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