I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
