I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
