Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
