1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
