she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
