What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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