You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
