Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Randomize
